Annual Last-Minute Gift Guide

It’s the most wonderful time of the year!! No, really. It is.

Even if you had to delete 1,000 pics just to get one usable Christmas card mailed two weeks later than planned. Even if you can’t bake, bring or bite one more cookie without your head (and waist) exploding. Even if you are limping into the New Year, exhausted and overscheduled.

My annual gift guide is my little present to you each December. A little boost to those weary of searching for cheer. Unfortunately, the editorial deadline was after Hanukkah, but let’s be truthful, these gifts are awesome enough for year-round consideration.

Without further ado, here is my last-minute gift guide.

My Pillow—If the words “Patented Poly-fill” make visions of sugar plums dance in your head, then boy are you in luck. This revolutionary pillow looks suspiciously like the $24.99 pillow currently on my bed yet promises that it will not flatten over time and stays cool. The bonus? It comes with a 60-day, money-back sleep guarantee. Essentially, you can rack up two months’ worth of nightly drool on that puppy and pop it back in the mail for a full refund. Well, a refund minus all the shipping, handling and fine print.

Big Vision Glasses—Are you always searching for reading glasses? Or moving menus and cell phones further back to make out the words? Well, Big Vision Glasses not only make everything miraculously clearer, but they are so humongous you will never misplace them on the top of your head. We’re talking safety goggle-sized, gargantuan glasses. Apparently, this is function over form with no consideration for fashion whatsoever. A whopping 160 percent magnification allows you the luxury of stumbling around like watching a 3-D movie all day, every day. The shocker is that they have just been marked down—RUN to your computer NOW!

Fone Ring—I have a natural mistrust of any product that replaces a “ph” with an “f.” In my experience, this approach has never improved anything, ever. Nevertheless, being a servant of the people, I will overlook the grammar obstacles and pass this info on to you. The Fone Ring is a mechanism that attaches your phone to your hand so it never drops. Because how many times a day have you thought, “My life would be perfect if only my phone was attached to my body.”

Fanny Bank— We all know that the reality of saving money can be a pain in the rear. Well, this bank aims to take the sting out of being so responsible. The exposed backside of a plumber comprises the bank itself with a slot for coins right in that plumber’s crack. Oh yes they did, they went there. And … wait for it … the plumber farts when coins are deposited. This is every kindergartner’s dream, no ifs, ands or butts about it.

Robocut—The tagline says, “If you can vacuum, you can cut your own hair.” Well, I can put on a Band-Aid but I’m thinking that does not make me a surgeon. So, I have my doubts. By attaching to your Hoover or Dyson, the Robocut sucks the hair up simulating the technique of your highly trained hairdresser. It is a bargain at $72, provided you don’t have to pay $300 to repair the damage.

So, in short, YOU’RE WELCOME!

Now you have at least one gift idea for anyone who did not provide you with a list. Or for that white elephant exchange. Or if you are just into wasting some money on senseless items.

Merry Gifting to you all!