Same Old Lang Syne

Theoretically, a new year should be filled with mystery about the great unknown for the 365 days ahead. But even with the big, blank canvas that is 2015, I realize there are some things that are just inevitable.

  1. I am not getting younger in the coming year. I know this seems like I am stating the obvious, but once you hit 50, your age is the elephant in the room all of the time—an elephant that keeps smacking you upside the head with its trunk. I no longer worry about turning into my mother. I have skipped a generation and I am now my grandmother. I don’t like to drive at night, I watch “Wheel of Fortune” like Pat Sajak is going to pluck me out of obscurity and let me buy some vowels, and I detest winter and anything cold. Well, except beer. Don’t even get me started on the length of time it takes to scroll down and find my birth year when filling out an online form. My AARP discounts are small consolation as I face the march of time.
  2. Lumber Liquidators will continue to email me every morning at 6 a.m. I have never Googled wood flooring, purchased wood flooring or filled out a form indicating interest in wood flooring. Yet, Lumber Liquidators sends me a little love every single day. Maybe they know about my horribly faded, builder-grade kitchen hardwoods, which would make the emails a mission of mercy. One day this year, I may even click on one of those emails, opening the floodgates for two or three emails a day. Something to look forward to.
  3. Just when I get the hang of something technological, it will be obsolete. If I had a dime for every time my kids ripped my phone out of my hand and completed a function for me, I would be writing this from my new, million dollar home in a tropical climate. It literally makes them anxious and sweaty to watch me navigate my iPhone or laptop. They have no bad habits to break or trip them up, like communicating using complete words and sentences. It is not a level playing field. When I really want to freak them out, I threaten to go back to my Blackberry. It is power in a way. …
  4. All of the new clothing trends are things I have worn before. Was anyone else blown away by the fact that L.L. Bean can’t keep duck boots in stock? I had two pairs in college that I could sell on eBay now for $450. This information has the potential to turn me into a hoarder. If duck boots can have a resurgence, can OP shorts and Members Only jackets be far behind? I am not sure if this makes me fashion forward or pathetic but I am holding onto EVERYTHING just in case. #nomoregaragesales
  5. My mind is leaving me a little bit every day. You know how the days get imperceptibly longer by about a minute daily from late December until spring? That is much like the infinitesimal rate at which I am going insane. If you are not really looking for it, it sneaks up on you. Instances of twirling in the middle of a room unsure of your goals and direction become commonplace and harder to hide. Your memory goes, then you make to-do lists and then you forget where you put the to-do lists and then you are sitting in front of the television watching BRAVO completely deflated. I am but a shadow of my cerebral self but I still have more going for me than any of the Housewives in any city.
  6. I will still procrastinate. My editor is checking her emails and refreshing over and over looking for this column. I did actually turn a piece in early one time, but that was only because I was really, really late from the month before so I submitted something I had already written. I should have put a disclaimer on it so I wouldn’t give anyone false hope. Fed Ex and two-day shipping were invented for people like me because there is no minute better than the last minute to get something done. Wait, that should be a slogan. I should get right on that … but I won’t.

I am a little late with my New Year’s toast (see #6), but here’s to a year filled with the comfort of predictability and some surprises as well.